(parts of this story have been dramatized or whatever. my fault for not remembering the entire thing verbatim)
One of my top fears these days is interacting with strangers in any capacity that is non-professional. Given this, you can imagine my fear when I got into an Uber to an Airbnb only for the driver to start chatting.
He wasn't even supposed to be my driver. I had to cancel the ride I ordered initially because the waste of an airline that calls itself United thought it'd be funny to not only force check my bag due to lack of carry on space, but also put it on the carousel as one of the very last bags.
But one painful cancellation fee later, I found myself in the car with "Jose". That's not his real name, but it's not like it matters. After just a couple minutes of driving he started talking in the most gravelly, cigarette-smoker voice you could ever imagine. Sentences were dragged kicking and screaming out of his throat, forcing him to pause for breath frequently.
I'll color his text since most of what I said during the ride was just verbal nods.
"Your name is Kevin, huh?"
"Yeah." I nod.
"You Chinese?"
"Yeah."
At this point my current strategy was still to just smile and play along with whatever he was saying. I check the ETA for the Uber and wince at the time: one entire hour.
Oh god.
"Why is it that so many Chinese people are named Kevin? I know two other Chinese people that have your name too."
That I also know two other Chinese Kevins pops into my brain, but I refrain from telling him.
"Oh wow, that's crazy."
"There's also this other Chinese guy I know, Chi."
I wonder if this person's actual name was Qi and he just told him to pronounce it like that.
"That's a new name. Don't think I've ever heard of it before, but that's not unprecedented."
"He used to work at an Asian restaurant his family ran. He was making 'round 150, 200 grand a year."
"Damn."
"I came to knew him since I worked delivery at that place."
"Cool."
"Just a couple months ago he got out of prison too! Think he got caught keeping books for some mafia up in New York."
"Oh what?"
"Yeah it's crazy, never knew he was involved in that kind of stuff. Locked up in there for three, five years! I heard that when he got out they threw a party for him, think it was because he didn't rat out anyone else."
"Wow, no idea the mafia was still active around here."
"Yeah, they sure are! I got another friend who's under investigation and they put him under house arrest some time ago. He can't even go out into the front yard to walk his dog. F***ing insane, right?"
"...Yeah."
"I used to handle packages right next to him in the mail room. Real nice guy, wouldn't hurt a fly. I still talk to him every few months here and there, we catch up on everything. Heard that his father-in-law or something killed a guy or somethin', which is why they're so suspicious of him.
"They're even looking into people who know him, his friends, family. I'd visit him over there just to deliver some food and check in on him, but I didn't wanna get caught in the crossfire."
In retrospect I could've asked what the dude was actually being investigated for. So far I just assumed more mafia stuff, but maybe it was something completely unrelated.
By now, though, I was actually somewhat interested in what this guy was saying. There really was a whole other world out there, and I wanted to know what more there was. I racked my brain for something to keep the conversation going.
"You said you worked delivery. Was this, like, before the era of Uber Eats and that stuff?"
"No, they still do delivery even now!"
"Really? I thought all the restaurants had all migrated to those sorts of platforms by now..."
"My daughter, she's in college by now, she ordered Domino's on Uber eats, and the feeds on there were f***ing crazy. She called me about it I told her 'What are ya doin? Just call 'em directly!' And that's what she does now."
"Yeah, Domino's does still have their cars and such..."
Another lull.
"Man, everything's so expensive these days, huh?"
"Heh. Tell me about it! You see the gas prices these days?"
"Oh yeah, how high are they here in Jersey?"
"They're somewhere around $4, $4.50, "
"And how much did they use to be, like what's the normal price point?"
"They used to be around $2.50, $3.00 at max."
"Oh that's...actually still pretty low for me. Back in Cali we're already hitting $6.00 gas, so $4.50 is pretty cheap for me."
"You see their governor, what was his name, uh, Newsom?"
"Oh yeah. He's...not the best." I was getting the feeling that Jose and I disliked him for different reasons.
"Terrible governor. The entire state's gone to hell cause of him."
"So many of the Democrats these days are just so incompetent." I cautiously refrain from praising Mamdani.
"There's also the others like uh...Pelosi! And all those others. Their entire state is full of crime now. I've heard you leave your car alone for 10 f*in minutes and BLAM! Glass all ova the sidewalk."
"Yeah, well, I manage."
"That's good, that's good. My father-in-law, he's really into politics, he used to say that for every one corrupt Republican, there's five corrupt Democrats."
Sure, I think, but last time I checked Democrats weren't putting migrants into what are more or less concentration camps.
"He does a lot of research on his own. Once he told me that black people only take up 13% of the population but commit over half the crime!"
(ON EVERYONE'S SOUL I AM NOT LYING, HE ACTUALLY SAID THIS)
"...Really?"
"Yeah. Could you imagine? That tiny sliver of the population, doing over half the crime in this country!"
At this moment we drive past a vibrant rainbow billboard proclaiming that it's pride month. I pray he doesn't notice, and thankfully he doesn't say anything.
"You know I don't like Trump, I think he's a racist, but I voted for him twice."
I fight the urge to ask which years he did.
"And his war in Iran, absolute disaster."
"Ya think? I feel like there's a pretty direct link between that and gas prices right now."
"We should've gone right for the Strait of Hormuz and taken it over before attacking. Now it's in their hands, and there's nothing we can do about it!"
I passively nod along. There's probably a bajillion problems with that proposed attack plan, but I'm not nearly versed well enough in military history to commentate on it.
In retrospect though, if Pete Hegseth is apparently qualified enough to run defense, screw it, let's put my man Jose in there as well.
After that came another lull in our conversation. When we picked up again, the topic finally steered away from anything wild. Stuff like exercise, where I'm going, banal small talk like that.
Ten normal-ish minutes later with the guy and he finally pulls up to my AirBnb. Just my luck, the host has a bunch of left-leaning signs all around his lawn. "Country Over Party", "Reproductive Rights are Human Rights", just to name two of them.
"Heh, it'll be just like California in there. You won't feel too far from home."
"Yup, I suppose..." I humor him for what hopefully is the last time.
I'll just end with this incredibly apt quote from John Mulaney's most recent special:
Now you know that.
You didn't use to.